In his book: On Becoming a Person (1967), Carl Rogers, the renowned humanistic psychologist, used the term “helping relationship” as a type of relationship in which at least one party has the intent of promoting growth, development or improved functioning and coping skills of the other person. The relationships between therapists and their clients, coaches and their coachees, teachers and their students, or parents and their children are examples of helping relationships.

Can I create a helping relationship?

Carl Rogers posed a few questions to help us analyse our readiness to build a helping relationship. The idea is that if we can clearly answer yes to most of these questions, we should build a helping relationship. Otherwise, we need to work on our own personal development first.

1. Can I obviously be trustworthy, dependable and consistent? Rogers made it clear that “being trustworthy does not demand that we should rigidly be consistent (perfect), but we should be dependably real (authentic).

2. Am I aware and accepting of my own feelings, and can I communicate them congruently (being real/authentic)? Rogers believed that “if we can be sensitively aware of and acceptant towards our own feelings, then there is a high possibility that we can form a helping relationship”.

3. Do I genuinely have a positive attitude of warmth, respect, interest and caring towards this person? Rogers explained that we might fear disappointment, unreasonable demands or manipulation, and hence revert to an impersonal and cold “professional approach” devoid of friendliness and care.

4. Can I be strong enough as a separate (independent) person? Can I be strong enough to own and, if need be, express my feelings constructively? Am I strong enough in my own independence that I will not be downcast or destroyed by this person’s anger, depression, fear, dependency or love? When we can freely feel the strength of being independent and self-sufficient, then we might be able to go deeper, and really understand and accept the other person.

5. Am I secure enough within myself to permit this person to have their separateness (independence)? Can I let this person be who they really are (honest, deceitful, childish, despairing or over-confident)? Or, do I feel that they should follow my advice, remain reliant on me, or imitate me? The less well-adjusted and less competent we are, the more would be our tendency to demand conformity and agreement. On the other hand, the better adjusted and more competent we are, the more likely we respect their freedom to be open and authentic.

6. Can I fully enter into the world of feelings and personal meanings of this person and see the world as they do? Can I sense their inner world so accurately that I can catch not only the meanings of their experience which are obvious to them, but those meanings which are only implicit, which they may see only dimly or with confusion? Even some empathic understanding of their meaning is helpful. However, there is no doubt that it is most helpful when we can clearly see and formulate clearly the entire meaning of their experience.

7. Can I be acceptant of all facets of this person? Or can I only receive them conditionally, accepting just some aspects of their personality and feelings? In such cases, they cannot change or grow in those respects which was not fully understood or accepted. And most probably, the reason for our rejection is our own fear and anxiety about the aspects of their personality or feelings that we couldn’t understand or accept. If we are going to be more helpful, then we must grow and develop ourselves in those areas.

8. Can I act with sufficient sensitivity in the relationship that my behaviours would not be perceived as threats? People (particularly our vulnerable clients) can easily be threatened when we (the coach or the therapist) responds strongly. We should avoid such threats, not only because of the sensitivity of our clients but also for the reason that if we can free them as completely as possible from the external threats, they can indeed deal much easier with their internal feelings and conflicts (which are often the main obstacles for their growth).

9. Can I free this person from the threat of external evaluation? Rogers stated that we find ourselves under the rewards and punishments of external judgments in almost every phase of our lives. Interestingly, he thought positive evaluations (judgements) are as threatening, in the long run, as negative ones, (since to inform someone that he is good implies that you also have the right to tell him he is bad). Nonetheless, Rogers believed that such judgements probably have some usefulness (elsewhere), but definitely not in personal growth and a helping relationship. Therefore, he recommended that the more we can keep a relationship free of judgment and evaluation, the more likely it is that the other person could reach a point where they recognise that the task of evaluation lies within their own responsibility. So, we should work hard towards a relationship where we do not, even in our own feelings, evaluate our clients and let them be an independent (self-responsible) person.

10. Can I meet this other individual as a person who is in the process of becoming, or will I be bound by their past? If in our connection with others, we think of them as an immature child, an ignorant student, a neurotic person, or a psychopath, each of these concepts (labels) limits what the relationship can create. If I accept the other person as something fixed, already diagnosed, labelled and classified (already shaped by his past), then I have limited the efficacy of our relationship. But if I accept him as a process of becoming, then I am confirming or making real his potentials. In other words, if I see a relationship only as an opportunity to impose certain types of words or opinions, then I tend to turn it into a harmful manipulation. But, if I see the relationship as an opportunity to support the person without judgment and reinforce their potentials, then the relationship becomes creative and develops positive change and growth.

Finally, Rogers explained that the degree to which we can create a helping relationship (which facilitates development and growth) is a measure of the growth we have achieved in ourselves.